What if Your Goal for 2018 was to Make Yourself as Happy as You Could?​

Instead of improving yourself... what if your goal for 2018 was to make yourself as happy as you could?​

One of the core beliefs insecure people share is, "I'm not good enough." This makes New Year's resolutions both appealing and treacherous. The appeal lies in the hope that if you just become better (thinner, smarter, more successul...), then you will be okay. The treachery comes when the resolve fades and you feel like a failure, confirming the deep down belief that you aren't good enough.

Resolve is like a fist. When you first make it, it feels powerful and strong. But the longer you hold the fist, the more tired your hand gets. You cramp up. You have to let it go at some point. The same is true for resolutions. When we try to change ourselves to win acceptance, approval, belonging or love, we will tire of the effort.

It took me a long time to learn this. I was a striver, through and through. I strove to lose weight. I strove to get high grades. I strove to be successful. I was a poster child for the old cliche, "You're only as good as your last success." The day I passed my Master's exams (oral exams in which you are given a short vignette about a client and must answer whatever questions the panel asks about how you would treat the case and why), I felt bulletproof. For a while. Then I had to get my first internship. And my first job. And learn to run a practice. 

Self worth based on externals isn't self anything. It's externally dictated. It's not secure, because the external world isn't in your control. So changing yourself to feel good enough is pretty much doomed. Even if you succeed, your core belief will remain unchanged. Then you'll go looking for another self improvement project. I know this. Remember, I was the poster child.

As the blog progresses, I will tell you lots more about my story and what I've learned and want you to know. For now though, see how it would feel to make one small (but also huge) shift. Consider a resolution to make yourself feel as good as possible in 2018. How might your resolutions be different if the aim is joy? What would you do more of or less of to feel deeply loved by your very own self?