Healthy Secure Adulting: Can Attachment Theory Help You Reap the Benefits of Good Sleep?

Sleep research shows that it’s not just that we remember less when we are sleep deprived, sleep deprivation primes us to be cranky. We may remember fewer positive experiences when we are sleep deprived. And we seem to become more sensitive to unpleasant experiences when we are tired.

But getting enough quality sleep isn’t always easy. Pain, the need to pee, noise, light pollution and stress all impact sleep quality. Most articles on improving sleep offer tips to address these challenges. These include exercising early in the day, no food or drink for two hours before bed, unplugging any electronics in the bedroom, and seeing a doctor about sleep and pain disorders.

One key to improving sleep that is rarely mentioned though is the feeling of security we get from having a secure attachment figure with us at night. Stan Tatkin who applies attachment theory to couples therapy talks about this in his PACT training for therapists. Sleep is a vulnerable time. From an evolutionary perspective, when we are unconscious, predators can make us a tasty midnight snack. Sleeping with trusted, caring others gives us safety in numbers. The touch of a loved one also releases neurochemicals like oxytocin, making us feel relaxed and comforted.

But what if you’re single or your relationship isn’t going well? What if your early attachment wasn’t secure, and it’s hard to relax and trust others now? I have a theory that we can use the power of mental rehearsal to activate secure attachment within, improving sleep and the feelings of well being and clarity that come from being well rested (if anyone is looking for a research project, let me know. I’d love to have my theory tested!).

If you would like to test my theory on yourself, we can create our own informal research study. First, create the best “sleep nest” you can. This might mean adding pillows to snuggle into. It might mean using 100% cotton sheets for temperature regulation. You might experiment with mattresses, pads, or toppers (if your budget allows) to find the right mix of cushion and support. You might find that a heavier blanket helps you feel swaddled. Though research is limited, there is some evidence that a weighted blanket reduces anxiety and increases serotonin and melatonin, which are both involved in sleep regulation.

Second, use your imagination to activate your inner parent or snuggle buddy. Just like athletes and performers mentally rehearse to improve skills, you can imagine someone safe and caring holding you while you fall asleep. Do this while snuggling a pillow or feeling the weight of your covers to support your imagination.

The key to making mental rehearsal effective is to involve your senses.

Creating a sleep nest activates the sense of touch or proprioception. You might imagine your snuggle buddy holding you (or you holding them and squeezing a pillow).
Aromatherapy or imagining a fragrance you find soothing involves the sense of smell. If you associate cocoa with bedtime, this might be a good fragrance to try.
Involve your sense of sight by visualizing your ideal snuggle buddy. This could be a romantic partner, a best friend, a family member. Find someone safe and comforting, either totally imagined or based on someone in real life. See their arms holding you. Envision the happiness in their eyes or smile as they enjoy cuddling you.

I know this might seem goofy. But parts of your brain that regulate mood don’t know the difference between real and imagined experiences. This is why your heart races when you see a scary movie and why your heart swells when you see a love story. Imagining you are secure in the arms of someone caring and safe may very likely release the soothing sleep chemicals you need.

Don’t let your inner critic stop you. If you hear it saying this is silly or stupid, validate, “Yes, this is goofy, and it may not work, but no one is watching or judging. I can try it for a week and see if it helps. I’m just participating in an experiment.”

If you do this experiment, track how long you sleep, how deeply you slept, how alert you feel during the day, and whether your mood changes. You can share your experiences in the comments below or in the Healthy Secure Adulting group on Facebook.

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