For Introverts Entering a Post-Quarantine World

For the introverts of the world, myself included, quarantine has felt like heaven. Yes, we’ve missed hugs and the freedom to run to the store for one little thing. But, generally, it’s been lovely to stay at home, reading, puttering, even working - though quietly, in pajamas, without a single fluorescent light. 

One client lamented, “I dread commuting again, sitting on a train with all these other people talking, their music leaking out of earbuds. Then having to give people at work my attention on their terms. I didn’t realize how much I love working when I can get into a flow state and just stay there until I come to a natural stopping point.”

Another shared, “It’s really my kids. I don’t want them to miss out on opportunities, so I take them to their after school classes and games. It feels like way too much, getting them ready, making sure they have their clothes and equipment, slogging through traffic. Then I have to talk to the other parents. It’s just small talk, passing time. I know most people like that. For me, though, it’s exhausting. I’d rather sit in my car and listen to a podcast. Am I being anti-social?”

No. No, she is not anti-social (or more accurately, anti-socializing). She is just an introvert - someone who feels fueled by alone time and prefers socializing 1-1 or in small groups. We introverts are exhausted by focusing on externals - whether traffic or small talk or tracking where little Devon’s soccer shoes might be. 

Because we tend to be quiet and very unlikely to join a planning committee, the world tends to be created by and for the needs of extroverts. If introverts planned spaces, restaurants would be divided into small rooms where one table of guests could eat alone and control the music in their own little haven. Gym’s would have limits on membership and a headphones-only music policy. Everyone with a desk job would work from home. All groceries would be delivered. In other words, the world would look a lot like it has during this past year, but all the time.

If you are introverted, you might be dreading (or reluctantly facing) a busier, faster, noisier, chattier world. You might think you have no power to change that. And, as far as other people are concerned, that’s probably true. But, you might have more agency over your own time than you imagine. If a re-entry feels like just too much, I would share with you what I have asked my own clients to consider…

1. What assumptions do you hold about “what I have to do” that feels like too much engagement with the world? If you didn’t have to do those things this past year, do you really have to do them now?
2. Can you let friends know that while you love them, you are committed to doing less on an ongoing basis after seeing how restorative it has been this past year? I let people know that I always want to be invited, but might accept an invitation only now and then. All plans, except those that require advance payment, are flexible. Anyone involved can cancel any time, for absolutely no reason. Friends who need a firmer commitment have either fallen away or they know to invite me only when they also have someone else for company.
3. Having shown your boss/colleagues/clients that you are highly productive working at home, can you negotiate to come in to work only when a face-to-face is necessary?
4. If you’re a parent, can you give yourself permission to sit in your car or go for a walk instead of making small talk with the other parents when your kid is taking a lesson or playing a sport?
5. What else have you discovered this past year that you would rather not give up? 
6. What do you need to believe about yourself or the world in order to give yourself permission to live in a way that honors who you are and how you are built? 
7. If shame or guilt gets in the way, what would help you find more self-acceptance? What would allow you to be comfortable in your own skin, even if others don’t understand you?
8. If you took small, manageable steps toward safeguarding your solitude, how would that impact your relationship with yourself? Would you trust yourself more? Would you like yourself better? Given that you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life, how important does it feel to live with someone who you really trust and like?