I’m sorry.
I’m being emotional.
I’m sorry
It must be hormones.
I’m sorry.
I don’t know why I’m crying.
I’m sorry.
I can’t tell you how many people come to therapy, which is basically a safe place to cry, and apologize, week after week, for crying. It’s like going to a restaurant and apologizing for being hungry.
Why are we so quick to discount and judge our tears (and the sadness, pain, anger, grief, and relief they express)?
Shame, judgment, and fear.
I remember multiple playground experiences when someone, sometimes me, was called "cry-baby." We are trained early on that we should be tough. Never let them see you sweat. Don't show fear. These warnings reveal a belief that people can't be trusted. If we are real, we will be in trouble.
Some people will exploit vulnerability. But hiding your feelings won't protect you. People who take advantage of others know how to prey on those who act tough, but aren't in touch with their real feelings. When you have your own permission to feel, you develop radar for people who shouldn't be trusted. When you respect your feelings, you respect those little messages from your gut that tell you something isn't right. Access to your feelings is protective.
Some will judge. Acting tough or above reproach won't protect you either. People who judge try to mask insecurity with the illusion of superiority. When you have empathy for yourself and others, you develop radar for people who judge. When you have compassion for your feelings, you gravitate toward others who are compassionate. Choosing to be with people who are understanding and accepting (and giving yourself understanding and acceptance) is protective.
However you are feeling, that's exactly what you should be feeling. Emotions are just the body's response to experiences. They are neither a sign of weakness or strength. They are messengers, telling us when something feels right or wrong for us. They are energy generators, giving us the power to move (e-motion) toward safety, love, and joy or away from pain, danger, or distress.
Crying is the body's way of releasing that energy when you don't need it anymore. This is why we cry when we are sad, but sometimes also when we are angry, moved, or scared. We cry most often when we feel relieved. Crying signals the end of big feelings. It cleanses us, and we need that cleansing, just like we need to sneeze sometimes or to pee. The body has it's reasons.
While we can't stop others from judging or exploiting, we can change our own behavior. Notice self-judgement (I shouldn't be feeling this way), and practice validation or curiosity instead. Repetition is how we create new beliefs. Rehearse and practice as often as you can. Put a post-it on your bathroom mirror...
There is a good reason I'm feeling this way. My body is sending me a message and some energy. I should pay attention and proceed with caution.
Even when your feelings are responses to events that happened in the past or might happen in the future (the trigger is a thought or memory), you still need validation and compassion.
It's painful/scary/infuriating to remember/anticipate that experience. My body is responding as though it were happening right now. This is hard. I really need to help myself come back to the present moment where I am safe.
When others judge, remind yourself they are masking their insecurity with superiority. What they say isn't about you, but a reflection of how they judge themselves. Ouch. You may feel more compassion for them. And you may choose to spend less time with them. Inside, you can work on creating a judgment-free zone. With time, you might feel so much relief that it makes you cry.
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