Insecure Family Holidays

This weekend, we have the double-whammy of Easter and Passover. If you're insecurely attached, this might be a time of disappointment. Or longing. Or dread. Who will be at the family gathering? What scrutiny will pass over some relative’s face or out of this person’s mouth?

My insecure mother has had a life-long fantasy that we were a big, happy, close-knit family. She went to great lengths to show this image to the world. She made sure the house was perfect. We were never allowed to touch the walls, lest we leave a fingerprint. She cooked for days in advance, following the women’s magazine wisdom to make everything look effortless.

She nagged us to diet so we would look good in the clothes she chose for each us, even my dad. She heaved giant sighs to let us know how our chubby bodies and ordinary lives disappointed her. She did nothing to hide her disgust when one of my sisters gained weight or brought home a less-than-handsome boyfriend. For her, everything focused on being thin, well dressed, and appearing successful.

But she had no interest in fostering actual success or real happiness in her kids. We learned that to be given the security of her love, we had to look well adjusted, but it didn’t matter if we actually were well adjusted. The way to deal with distress, according to her, was to act like everything was fine. If we told her we were uncomfortable, we were labeled too sensitive. End of conversation.

My clients tell me stories with similar themes. The content of their experiences may be different, but the theme is the same. There is a clear parental directive. “Don’t be real. Don’t be you. Keep up my (mom’s or dad’s) fantasy about who I am as a parent and who we are as a family, especially when people are coming to dinner.”

As I got older and had more therapy, it became essential for me to be exactly who I am at all times. Pretending had become untenable. I found myself getting sick whenever I had scheduled a trip back to my home town. I stopped attending family dinners and immediately felt better. The guilt I had been entrained to feel at disappointing my mom began to ebb as I realized I had been drafted into being her emotional caretaker from birth on, and that this was upside down.

In secure families, parent’s attend to their kid’s emotional needs. In insecure families, it’s the other way around.

I began to pay attention to how I wanted to spend holidays, what they meant to me. Easter and Passover are celebrations of the first green shoots of spring, the earth coming back to life and light after the darkness and chill of winter. This became a metaphor for my growth and healing.

At the Passover Seder, we celebrate freedom from bondage. Becoming aware of the unconscious agreements we had to live by in our insecure families is a similar kind of awakening. As we let go of these agreements - to protect our difficult and fragile parents from their anxiety, shame and insecurity, we gain freedom from having to pretend, freedom to be (or discover) our real selves.

At the Easter table, we celebrate the awareness that the Christ in us never dies. The seed of who we are stays within us, no matter how we have had to hide, pretend, or transform ourselves to feel accepted and loved. We can learn to love ourselves as Christ loved, tenderly washing our own feet, treating ourselves with the warmth and respect he offered everyone, sick or well, rich or poor.

This weekend, whether you are alone, with friends, or sitting with your insecure family, I invite you to tune inward to your feelings and needs. These are your compass, your guide back to you. You are the promised land. You might need some time to wander in the desert, learning how to be free. It may take more than three days, but the person you really are, the person you were meant to be can be resurrected with your own patient, tender, forgiving kindness, compassion and love.

Keep hunting for what delights you and sets you free. Easter eggs are everywhere, all year long.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way

I shouldn’t be feeling this way.
I’m sorry.
I’m being emotional.
I’m sorry
It must be hormones.
I’m sorry.
I don’t know why I’m crying.
I’m sorry.

I can’t tell you how many people come to therapy, which is basically a safe place to cry, and apologize, week after week, for crying. It’s like going to a restaurant and apologizing for being hungry.

Why are we so quick to discount and judge our tears (and the sadness, pain, anger, grief, and relief they express)?

Shame, judgment, and fear.

I remember multiple playground experiences when someone, sometimes me, was called "cry-baby." We are trained early on that we should be tough. Never let them see you sweat. Don't show fear. These warnings reveal a belief that people can't be trusted. If we are real, we will be in trouble.

Some people will exploit vulnerability. But hiding your feelings won't protect you. People who take advantage of others know how to prey on those who act tough, but aren't in touch with their real feelings. When you have your own permission to feel, you develop radar for people who shouldn't be trusted. When you respect your feelings, you respect those little messages from your gut that tell you something isn't right. Access to your feelings is protective.

Some will judge. Acting tough or above reproach won't protect you either. People who judge try to mask insecurity with the illusion of superiority. When you have empathy for yourself and others, you develop radar for people who judge. When you have compassion for your feelings, you gravitate toward others who are compassionate. Choosing to be with people who are understanding and accepting (and giving yourself understanding and acceptance) is protective.

However you are feeling, that's exactly what you should be feeling. Emotions are just the body's response to experiences. They are neither a sign of weakness or strength. They are messengers, telling us when something feels right or wrong for us. They are energy generators, giving us the power to move (e-motion) toward safety, love, and joy or away from pain, danger, or distress.

Crying is the body's way of releasing that energy when you don't need it anymore. This is why we cry when we are sad, but sometimes also when we are angry, moved, or scared. We cry most often when we feel relieved. Crying signals the end of big feelings. It cleanses us, and we need that cleansing, just like we need to sneeze sometimes or to pee. The body has it's reasons.

While we can't stop others from judging or exploiting, we can change our own behavior. Notice self-judgement (I shouldn't be feeling this way), and practice validation or curiosity instead. Repetition is how we create new beliefs. Rehearse and practice as often as you can. Put a post-it on your bathroom mirror...

There is a good reason I'm feeling this way. My body is sending me a message and some energy. I should pay attention and proceed with caution.

Even when your feelings are responses to events that happened in the past or might happen in the future (the trigger is a thought or memory), you still need validation and compassion.

It's painful/scary/infuriating to remember/anticipate that experience. My body is responding as though it were happening right now. This is hard. I really need to help myself come back to the present moment where I am safe.

When others judge, remind yourself they are masking their insecurity with superiority. What they say isn't about you, but a reflection of how they judge themselves. Ouch. You may feel more compassion for them. And you may choose to spend less time with them. Inside, you can work on creating a judgment-free zone. With time, you might feel so much relief that it makes you cry.