Healthy Secure Adulting: February 2018

Secure adults manage disappointment well. They don’t shame or blame people who disappoint them. They don’t retaliate or withhold warmth to punish or coerce people into doing what they want. They can sit with disappointment and frustration, knowing the feelings will pass. They trust that other solutions will likely present themselves in time. And they know the comfort of accepting a Yes from someone who is genuine (vs. the unease when someone says Yes out of obligation).

They are also good at setting boundaries. If they recognize that someone routinely fails to honor commitments, they either:

Discuss the dynamic openly to come to an understanding about what each person in the relationship can truly offer, or
See when someone has difficulty with congruence (the ability to say what they mean and mean what they say) and adjust their expectations accordingly so that they are not left in a lurch.

As a child, I learned I would be shamed, guilted, and/or ostracized if I disappointed my parents. One of my earliest memories is from the age of two or three. I don’t remember what sparked my rage or tears, but I remember lying on my bed, tantruming and sobbing, “Nobody loves me!”

I also remember my mother telling my older sister something to the effect of, “Don’t go in and comfort her. It will only encourage her.” Sadly, many parents like mine were told by experts to “extinguish” behavior they didn’t like in their kids by ignoring it. Behavioral psychologists saw crying and tantrums as an irritating behavior to be eliminated, rather than a signal of distress.

Attachment psychology looks at crying and tantrums as a normal part of human development. All children become emotionally dysregulated at times. Their little limbic brains become overwhelmed by feelings. This can be exacerbated by fatigue, illness, over-stimulation, or frustration.

When this happens, little people need help from parents to feel soothed. We call this emotional co-regulation. Through the magic of mirror neurons, the parent feels the child's distress. This (ideally) motivates the parent to help. By relieving the child’s distress both parent and child feel better. This deepens the parent’s sense of mastery, and it deepens loving feelings and empathy for the child.

Soothing does not mean spoiling or giving in to a child’s every wish. It means empathizing and staying present and connected through the disappointment. When parents can provide soothing fairly successfully, kids learn that someone can and will help with painful feelings. This builds trust.

I wonder what might have happened between me and my mother had attachment psychology gained the public eye sooner. I like to imagine her telling me in a gentle voice, "It makes sense my answer disappointed you. It's so frustrating to hear "no" when you really want something. I feel the same way when I'm disappointed."

Over time, kids who are soothed internalize the process of being soothed. They become more and more able to soothe themselves by talking to themselves the way their soothing parent does. The growing capacity to self-soothe becomes the ability to manage disappointment securely.

Kids learn:

Disappointment can be tolerated.
Feelings can be expressed without fear of punishment or emotional abandonment.
Feelings dissipate when they can be felt fully and understood compassionately (hiding feelings makes them churn for a long time).
They can love someone who disappoints them.

Why Don't Insecure Parents Soothe Effectively?

Parents with insecure attachment patterns tend to become dysregulated when their kids are dysregulated. This is what happened with my mom. She never had the experience of being soothed as a child. So she didn't have a map in her mind of how to respond. She was probably sent to her room if she distressed my grandmother. So my cries likely brought up that alone feeling and maybe the helplessness she felt as a child.

My cries definitely dysregulated her. But instead of using her feelings to sense what I needed, she became angry. Because her attachment style is dismissive, she must have felt so validated by expert advice to ignore my cries. What a relief for her to be able to ignore me and feel that, by doing so, she was being a good parent and teaching me not to be a cry-baby.

But neither of us got to experience co-regulation. She never learned to soothe herself or others. In truth, she never learned to manage her own disappointment well. But because she too wasn't able to voice her feelings or needs directly, she used manipulation, coercion, threats and withholding love (insecure behaviors) to get other people to meet her emotional needs. She never got to experience the love and bonding that happens when help is given freely and joyfully.

I feel so lucky that I found help from therapists, teachers, writers and mentors that allowed me to repair my attachment pattern (an ongoing process!). I could so easily have gone down the same path as my mom. But I’ve learned to validate my feelings and give myself empathy and compassion. I’ve learned to soothe and comfort my own disappointment. And I’ve learned to communicate my needs, wishes and boundaries to others with an open hand - where there is room for others to say yes or no.

When others can’t help, I feel the disappointment, and I comfort myself till it passes. Then I adjust accordingly, finding what I need within or from others who are more available. I have more patience and trust that what I need will arrive at some point. I can keep looking for the right person to help. Until they arrive, I can manage the wait by keeping myself friendly company.

Your inner parent can help you manage your disappointment by:

Validating your feelings. It’s normal to feel upset when things don’t work out the way you hoped.
Reminding you to just be with the feelings and keep you company while they are strong. It’s usually better to wait until the intensity passes (and it always does) before making decisions or taking actions.
Helping you soothe the distress by focusing on breathing, making your exhalations longer than your inhalations. This tells your nervous system that you are safe and can relax.
Diffusing intense sensations in the body by noticing them and giving them more room. For example, you might feel tightness in your throat, chest, or belly. Feelings are energy. When we hold them in, we create pressure. Imagine allowing the energy to take up more space. It can extend beyond your body, expanding to fill a room, a building, a neighborhood or more. As you do this, notice if/when the intensity begins to lessen.
Nudging you away from any desire to punish or teach a lesson to someone who has disappointed you.
Once you feel calmer, your inner parent can help you decide if you want to discuss your needs with the person who disappointed you and see if there is a way you can both get what you need.
Or, your inner parent can help you see if there is a pattern that tells you this person isn’t as reliable as you need. This might indicate that you should look for someone more dependable.
Set a boundary without blaming or shaming anyone - something as simple as, “I’ve decided to go a different way with this.”
Your inner parent can also help you be gentle and patient with yourself through this process. It takes time to build these skills. It can help to have a therapist or a friend who is good at listening and validating without advising. dismissing, or intensifying your feelings. Make sure to notice whether you feel comforted and calmed. That will tell you when you have found a good listener.

Part of the work in becoming secure is being able to sit lovingly and gently with all of your feelings rather than avoiding them (which is like self-abandonment) or acting on them too quickly (which can backfire). Disappointment, like any feeling, is a message. Listening deeply and tenderly, then acting wisely, fosters trust in your very own self.

Sleep research shows that it’s not just that we remember less when we are sleep deprived, sleep deprivation primes us to be cranky. We may remember fewer positive experiences when we are sleep deprived. And we seem to become more sensitive to unpleasant experiences when we are tired.

But getting enough quality sleep isn’t always easy. Pain, the need to pee, noise, light pollution and stress all impact sleep quality. Most articles on improving sleep offer tips to address these challenges. These include exercising early in the day, no food or drink for two hours before bed, unplugging any electronics in the bedroom, and seeing a doctor about sleep and pain disorders.

One key to improving sleep that is rarely mentioned though is the feeling of security we get from having a secure attachment figure with us at night. Stan Tatkin who applies attachment theory to couples therapy talks about this in his PACT training for therapists. Sleep is a vulnerable time. From an evolutionary perspective, when we are unconscious, predators can make us a tasty midnight snack. Sleeping with trusted, caring others gives us safety in numbers. The touch of a loved one also releases neurochemicals like oxytocin, making us feel relaxed and comforted.

But what if you’re single or your relationship isn’t going well? What if your early attachment wasn’t secure, and it’s hard to relax and trust others now? I have a theory that we can use the power of mental rehearsal to activate secure attachment within, improving sleep and the feelings of well being and clarity that come from being well rested (if anyone is looking for a research project, let me know. I’d love to have my theory tested!).

If you would like to test my theory on yourself, we can create our own informal research study. First, create the best “sleep nest” you can. This might mean adding pillows to snuggle into. It might mean using 100% cotton sheets for temperature regulation. You might experiment with mattresses, pads, or toppers (if your budget allows) to find the right mix of cushion and support. You might find that a heavier blanket helps you feel swaddled. Though research is limited, there is some evidence that a weighted blanket reduces anxiety and increases serotonin and melatonin, which are both involved in sleep regulation.

Second, use your imagination to activate your inner parent or snuggle buddy. Just like athletes and performers mentally rehearse to improve skills, you can imagine someone safe and caring holding you while you fall asleep. Do this while snuggling a pillow or feeling the weight of your covers to support your imagination.

The key to making mental rehearsal effective is to involve your senses.

Creating a sleep nest activates the sense of touch or proprioception. You might imagine your snuggle buddy holding you (or you holding them and squeezing a pillow).
Aromatherapy or imagining a fragrance you find soothing involves the sense of smell. If you associate cocoa with bedtime, this might be a good fragrance to try.
Involve your sense of sight by visualizing your ideal snuggle buddy. This could be a romantic partner, a best friend, a family member. Find someone safe and comforting, either totally imagined or based on someone in real life. See their arms holding you. Envision the happiness in their eyes or smile as they enjoy cuddling you.

I know this might seem goofy. But parts of your brain that regulate mood don’t know the difference between real and imagined experiences. This is why your heart races when you see a scary movie and why your heart swells when you see a love story. Imagining you are secure in the arms of someone caring and safe may very likely release the soothing sleep chemicals you need.

Don’t let your inner critic stop you. If you hear it saying this is silly or stupid, validate, “Yes, this is goofy, and it may not work, but no one is watching or judging. I can try it for a week and see if it helps. I’m just participating in an experiment.”

If you do this experiment, track how long you sleep, how deeply you slept, how alert you feel during the day, and whether your mood changes. You can share your experiences in the comments below or in the Healthy Secure Adulting group on Facebook.

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