What if Your Goal for 2018 was to Make Yourself as Happy as You Could?​

Instead of improving yourself... what if your goal for 2018 was to make yourself as happy as you could?​

One of the core beliefs insecure people share is, "I'm not good enough." This makes New Year's resolutions both appealing and treacherous. The appeal lies in the hope that if you just become better (thinner, smarter, more successul...), then you will be okay. The treachery comes when the resolve fades and you feel like a failure, confirming the deep down belief that you aren't good enough.

Resolve is like a fist. When you first make it, it feels powerful and strong. But the longer you hold the fist, the more tired your hand gets. You cramp up. You have to let it go at some point. The same is true for resolutions. When we try to change ourselves to win acceptance, approval, belonging or love, we will tire of the effort.

It took me a long time to learn this. I was a striver, through and through. I strove to lose weight. I strove to get high grades. I strove to be successful. I was a poster child for the old cliche, "You're only as good as your last success." The day I passed my Master's exams (oral exams in which you are given a short vignette about a client and must answer whatever questions the panel asks about how you would treat the case and why), I felt bulletproof. For a while. Then I had to get my first internship. And my first job. And learn to run a practice. 

Self worth based on externals isn't self anything. It's externally dictated. It's not secure, because the external world isn't in your control. So changing yourself to feel good enough is pretty much doomed. Even if you succeed, your core belief will remain unchanged. Then you'll go looking for another self improvement project. I know this. Remember, I was the poster child.

As the blog progresses, I will tell you lots more about my story and what I've learned and want you to know. For now though, see how it would feel to make one small (but also huge) shift. Consider a resolution to make yourself feel as good as possible in 2018. How might your resolutions be different if the aim is joy? What would you do more of or less of to feel deeply loved by your very own self?

What Does Healthy Secure Adulting Look Like?

As you begin working toward developing a healthier attachment with your very own self, it can be useful to think about the behaviors, feelings and experiences you want to develop. I developed the list below as I went through this process and refined it as I watched my clients becoming more secure. Your list may look a little different.

• Healthy adults are generally self-sufficient. They know how to meet their own needs. 

• They also know that trusted friends, family members, colleagues, and/or romantic partners enhance their well being. They seek and create relationships that are honest, respectful, caring and fun.

• They are able to work with others to accomplish tasks that require partnership or team effort. 

• They trust in their ability to manage when life throws curves. So they are generally relaxed about the future. They don't try to control things they can't or shouldn't.

• They trust their intuition about people, knowing that if something seems a bit off, they can set boundaries that are appropriately respectful and effective.

• They know how to tend to their physical and emotional needs, and they do so with care and patience. They also know their limits and when to ask for help.

• They know how to assess risk and try new things to explore and grow.

• They know that mistakes are a normal part of learning. They don't beat themselves up when they make a mistake. They learn what to do differently next time.

• If they hurt someone, they know how to make amends and, when both parties are willing and able, to re-establish trust. 

• They generally don't ruminate about past mistakes or foibles. Once they address a problem and/or learn what to do differently, they move on.

• They are direct and respectful. When they want or need help or support, they know how to ask for it. They know how to compromise and negotiate. 

• They know how to manage their own disappointment when they don't get what they want or need. They don't feel pressured to alleviate the discomfort by numbing, escaping or fixing. They can sit compassionately with their emotions. They comfort themselves with validation and understanding until the feelings dissipate naturally.

• And because they can tolerate disappointment, they are not manipulative or punitive.

• They have integrity. That is, they are consistently themselves. They don't need outside approval to know their worth. So they don't have to pretend to be anything other than who they are.

• They have an internal compass, based on their likes and dislikes as well as their values. And they follow this compass toward people, places and activities that bring them joy and contentment.

• Even healthy adults struggle at times. Illness, loss, intense or prolonged stress, and trauma make everyone feel helpless and powerless at times. But early experiences of security create resilience. 

• You can learn to give yourself this security, even if you didn't get it as a kid. Research on attachment between parents and children and between romantic partners gives us a map to create the security we need inside.