We all have a voice within that edits what we say for our audience. I might swear like a sailor with my college friends but aim for more polite language when I’m with my friend, the minister. Choosing your words can be a wonderful social skill. Or it can be a straight jacket, especially if you judge yourself harshly.
Some people become painfully shy and awkward for fear of saying the wrong thing. Some preempt possible judgment from others by speaking in disclaimers. It’s like having an internal legal department whispering in your ear.
In these instances, you’re not choosing words to respect or connect with others. You’re trying to avoid being judged. In the process you end up creating distance with others instead of closeness, because they feel uncomfortable with your silence, with your self interrupting disclaimers, and a sense that you are looking at them suspiciously (you suspect they are judging you as harshly as you judge yourself).
The problem is that the judge isn’t out there. It’s within you. So the work to do is not to tightly manage your words or behavior with others. It’s to listen inward to the frightened parts of you who are likely lonely and want to connect.
Before those parts of you can feel truly safe being themselves with others, they have to feel safe with you. You might have to commit to stopping self criticism whenever you notice it. Then replacing that self criticism with empathy for the fear that sparks self-flagellation.
If you think about your history with people, your fear of judgement probably makes sense. Practice validating that fear while letting the critic know it’s no longer okay to bully yourself when you’re scared. You might say to your frightened self,
“Given what’s happened in the past, this fear of judgment is only natural. We can’t control whether others will judge. We can only find out if they are judgy. If they are, we can choose to spend less time with them or reveal less of ourselves to them.
What we can control (though it may take practice) is whether we judge ourselves. So whenever self judgement comes up, I’m going to try to remember to stop that old habit and instead ask, what feels scary? If we name the fear, we can look for ways to feel safer like going slower or practicing new boundaries. I can help you when you’re scared. But when you’re mean to me, I get stuck in shame paralysis.”
As you begin to feel less judgement from within, you might discover who really is judgmental among your friends and family and who is not. When you have your own safe, friendly, kind and respectful company, it’s much easier to spend less time with the judgy people in your life. And in turn, this frees up time to meet people who don’t judge you, but really enjoy you exactly as you are.
Your inner legal advisor has been trying to help you avoid pain, but like most attorneys, it does it’s job by frightening you. You can help this part retire from this role and become an ally who tells you when you feel anxious, worried, or when something just isn’t quite right. That will empower you to help yourself instead of shutting you down.
